Not my work.

It’s another rough day today. I’ve been back at work for a month, and every week, it just feels like everything is going downhill. No matter how much sleep I get, I never feel like I’ve gotten enough rest. My body is in a constant state of pain and exhaustion, my mind is a constant mess, and fighting back the depression only continues to get harder. I find myself wondering more often when it will get better. When will life give me a break?

There’s got to be something better for me in this world than what I have right now.

My husband and I work hard every week, and we barely skim by. Our bills get paid, but there’s no room for anything extra. There’s no chances to go see that new movie, no way to go to the zoo or aquarium, nothing left to buy the baby new toys.

It’s not even necessarily about lacking in money, either. It’s also about finding the time. I work 40 hours, Saturday through Wednesday early morning, and my husband works different hours. He is guaranteed to work 3-11:30pm every weekend, which limits the time we have to do anything. Our girls are both in school, so the weekends would be our only chance to be able to go out, even just to the beach which is really cheap to do, but we never get to. It doesn’t make me feel like a good parent.

Then, to make matters worse, I come home wore out, and I struggle to even move. Days like today, I can’t even move myself to cook dinner, so I instruct my 9 year old on how to cook the frozen pizzas in the oven. Because it’s too painful and hard for me to make it into the kitchen to do it myself.

It doesn’t get better, it gets even worse. My house, though is not a wreck thanks to my mother helping out on her days off, is far from being satisfactorily clean. But guess what? I can’t find any extra energy to clean it. What kind of mother can’t even keep her house clean? What kind of mother struggles to feed her children? Hell, I can hardly push myself to eat anything because my body is too fucking tired to move.

I’m so pathetic, it sickens me.

I was out of work for four months, two and a half of which were due to unexpected pregnancy issues. Then, of course, my six weeks healing/bonding period with my newborn once he graced us with his presence. While pregnant, I was lacking energy to do much then either, but my house still looked better now than it does now. After he was born, I was able to do everything. Clean house, cooked food, well cared for children. I was losing my mind in a different way, but I had energy.

I preferred it. If it were possible, I would jump on the opportunity to be a stay at home mom. But in today’s society and cost of living, it’s not possible with our current job situations.

You know that feeling deep down that you just know something isn’t right? That something is off? Yeah, I’ve got that feeling really bad right now. I know I’m not supposed to be in this line of work anymore. I’m supposed to be putting all my energy into my writing career, but that is not a jump I’m willing to take. Especially with the holidays and Wild Child’s birthday coming up.

But christ, I know this is all wrong.

I miss laughing. I miss not feeling empty all the time. I miss being comfortable with my life. I miss knowing that I’m a good mother.

I know I can get it all back, I just need to escape this retail Hell. I’m just so terrified of taking the leap! So many things could go wrong, making the situation from bad to dire.

I’m tired, exhausted, and wholly depressed. And all I want is a break, and it’s one that I’m afraid will never come.

And in the meantime, I struggle; in so many ways, I struggle.

~ Amber

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