Facing My Fears: Following Fate’s Journey

I have been incredibly busy as of late, hence my sudden absence from this blog that I was once so eager to begin. I have not forgotten about this part of my life, nor did I intend to let it go. There are just many things that came to me, and reading the signs that fate has set for me, I decided to follow it. And it is those things that have brought me to where I am today.

You see, within the past week, I received many invites for freelancing work through a company I did work for last year. Based with the timing of when I received this work and my thought processes, I decided to take on as many assignments as I believed I could get done. I overestimated, and now I realize that I may be in over my head.

I seem to have forgotten that not only do I have a full time day job, but I also have the full time job of being a mother that must care for her children and juggle with my husband on cooking dinner every other night. With everything that I have to do, I now have more overdue assignments than I’d like to admit. Coupled with other stressful situations I have been dealing with, let’s just say my stress and anxiety levels are currently through the roof. The depression eating away at the precious pieces of my soul has been much darker than usual.

My husband and I have also come to the conclusion it would be best for one of us to be home at all times because we can’t afford day care, and our current situation is going to run into bumps in the road shortly.

I have known this point in my life has been coming and I’ve actually been fighting against my gut feelings on it (something I don’t tend to do, I’m a very strong believer in following your gut instincts). But I’ve come to another time in my life where I need to close my eyes and allow myself to fall off the cliff, make the leap to see where the winds of fate decide to take me. And for the first time: I’m fucking terrified.

Examples of leaps I’ve made in the past: telling my husband I loved him back, only two weeks after we had been actually “talking” and he told me he loved me. Deciding after only a little over a year that we were ready to have a baby. Moving… quite a few times, the leap involved moving. All of these huge life decisions were made by a statement or question directed at me, and the twinge in my gut created an automatic answer shoot out of my mouth. “Okay,” it usually says. “It’ll be okay, this is where we are supposed to go,” it tells me later when I actually question it.

So, my point here is my gut instincts have ruled my life for some of the most important decisions I’ve ever come across. Some should have been terrifying to me, but they weren’t. Because I trusted in myself, and I trust in my instincts to guide me to where fate wanted me to go. Instincts is what has led me here, back to my writing. Because I know that this is where I am supposed to be, one way or another. This is my calling.

Yet, in this past week, I’m realizing it’s not that easy. Especially when you are writing something you have no knowledge or care for. There’s a lot of research and time involved in how you are going to write these articles. It’s not just shut your brain off and let your fingers talk like I am right now with this blog, or like I did with all the manuscripts I have lying around here. It’s… it’s work. And with the promised pay, it could end up being worth more what I have right now.

My gut’s been screaming at me since I went back to work in the middle of August that I no longer am supposed to be placing all of my energy and time in to that workplace. But I continued to do it anyway because it was promised financial security. It kept a roof over my children’s heads and electricity for them to see. The unknown my gut’s screaming at me to run into has no promise of financial security.

Fate saw me struggling, it saw my dilemma so it tried to change my mind in other ways. I work at 5am every morning, so the few times in the past month that something has gone awry, my husband had to be the one to call off work and stay home. Since he’s the one who makes more money, this is more of an issue than if I had been the one to call off. I still didn’t listen.

Thus fate gave me what I needed: a promise for financial security. I had given up on freelance writing because I got pregnant and lost all mental energy to be able to write. That and I worked for a terrible employer for a short while that was only charging $0.01 per word, demanding 5 700 word articles a day with ridiculous rules and writing styles. It quickly changed my mind on wanting to do the work. But after receiving this set I’ve been working on and adding the price?

Fate basically slapped me in the face, screaming “Here’s what you asked for, bitch. Take it or leave it.”

We moved here a year ago so that we could better ourselves and this life we have, yet a year later, we are still stuck in the same jobs and the same financial situation. The only thing that has changed is that our family is at least complete with the addition of our baby boy. The boy that we tried for years to create, the baby boy that we both have waited a lifetime for, even before we found one another. He’s the final piece to the puzzle that our family has been missing all along.

I know that I am ready for this next step in life, but the fear is still there. I’ve been working since I was 16, the longest I ever went without a job was when we lived in this area before. It was about 5 months without a job, and it was awful for me. I’m terrified I can’t provide for my family.

But now I know I have a chance at doing that with this work that fell into my lap. I just need more time to focus on it, and I need my husband to be able to make it to work every day with his significantly more pay. I cannot outright quit my job. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to. But today, I made the first step to the leap.

I have made the decision to flip my occupations. Part time retail worker. Full time writer.

My end game is here, and the beginning of my real journey is finally ready to take place. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous, yet excited.

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